She met him right after high school. They went on a few dates and on New Year’s night of 2009, he told her he’d like to be in a relationship and in that moment, she was overjoyed, she couldn’t stop smiling even her parents noticed it. She still remembers the butterflies that the teenager felt whenever they went on dates after that. The hour before he’d come to pick her up was the messiest. Heart’s pounding fast with all these questions; which eyeliner to use, should I wear foundation, would that overdo it, what color eyeshadow should I wear today. It’s always a good thing that he was never on time, cause that actually calms her down in a way. But too late, then she would feel he doesn’t care for her. They did pretty crazy things. Went on gigs and tours. Just wasting their youths away together.
After a few years, things doesn’t really change. He was still the same. He carries the same problem. She would always always try to make it better for him. He would also have to deal with her sudden mood swings and weird family problems. There would still be butterflies, but rarely. Only when it was on a special day or a special date. They’ve been going out for too long that it is beginning to feel like it is a routine as if they SHOULD be going to the movies together, go eat together, spent time together. If not with each other, who else? Both of them are beginning to depend on each other too much, probably way more than they should at their age. She is beginning to feel suffocated. She can’t seem to find herself in the relationship. She doesn’t share any close connection other than with her family and her boyfriend. She’s lost in the relationship. She was happy but lost.
Then she dropped the bomb. She decided to fly off half way across the world to further her study for a year. So many things she wants to achieve, to discover. She doesn’t want to depend on anybody, anymore. She wants to grow up. She can only hope that he’d understand and be happy for her. To her delight, he does. He let her go to achieve her dream and be her own when it was hard for him. Probably the hardest he ever had to do.
It has been 3 months and they have fights almost every week. She finds herself still lost in him. On top of the stress of living alone, doing everything alone, works piling up, she will have to deal with whatever is coming at the end of the day. It is hard when it is long distance especially when you’ve been so comfortable seeing each other almost everyday for six years. In a way, she wants to finally enjoy her freedom with her friends but it seems impossible because at the end of the day, she would get into these little fights. As the fights are mostly repetitive, they began to not care so much. Things are left unsaid because it seems easier that way. Or sometimes even too much because they start to care less for each other’s feelings. They begin to want the other one to feel as much hurt they’re feeling at that moment. She is definitely not interested in other guys. She just wants to be the amazing woman that she knows she can. But it feels like all he wants was for her to stay as that innocent young girl who will go crying for him whenever she falls down. And a girl who would always always helped him through his difficulties. A dilemma, this is.